Anyone remember when I was so on fire back in 2005, 2006, 2007. I had ideas and I was writing. I had flow and I had flame.
And when two editors asked to see my spiritual/urban fantasy novel manuscript--not the one that won the Genesis SF category, but the one I entered the next year--I freaked. Insecurity is a nasty, nasty beast.
I felt like I could not live up to expectations.
I went back recently to read the chapters of both AGE'S END and ARCHANGEL ARMS, and you know what? They were so good. Soooo good. I thought, "Did I really write that well?"
Time's distance gave me a bit more objectivity. I SAW what they saw, the NavPress and Zondervan editors. I SAW my skill. I had something good there.
What made me just think I couldn't? What made me squander such a beautiful opportunity, close such a wide and sunny window?
To Andy Meisenheimer--who's no longer with Zondervan, but who still champions CSF-- apologies. I still feel bad that I did not work my prodigious hiney off to make it work out to a mutually joyful conclusion. I still plan to tell Selah's story.
And, there it is. I want to slap the me of years back for that. Slap her hard and get her back to the word processor and back to keeping the Muse so busy she loses 20 lbs.
Well, I've been back at writing for the past couple weeks. Recapturing a Muse, once spurned, isn't easy at first. It takes wooing and patience. I find I warm up though. It's a little easier every day.
The problem is choosing a path to take, to commit to. The fantasy? The romance? The more profitable path? The one that makes me happier pondering? The genre that's more popular or the publishing house that has more space for newbies?
In some ways, the old worry remains. CSF is not a huge market. Will it sell?
But that's a reality for every book. The book itself, the story itself, must speak. And if it speaks powerfully, someone will notice. Or, hey, you put it up on Amazon and hope for viral success. :D
I'm back to writing. I have to elongate and tone up the muscles I let atrophy a bit. It's coming. It will come.
I hope you missed me.