I know! I'll write a book about a lying little girl named (let me see...) Lyre, who dwells in an alternate universe of London, where everyone has a familiar and worships a horrible devil called The Question Authority. (Great idea-- now we are cooking with gas!) It will turn out that Lyre's father sacrificed her best friend Chumpsy in order to investigate the Dark Energy, which turns out to be the source of all life, as well as the thing that makes Orgasms, or something. Ann Coulter, bitter conservative humorist, will turn out to be the girl's mother. So, Lyre goes to the underworld, find a group of ghosts awaiting reincarnation or last judgment or something, and commits mass-euthanasia on them. Because they're bored.
It turns out that the Question Authority is NOT actually teaching people to get in touch with their true selves, but, instead, is turning them into brainwashed robots who all recite the same boring bumpersticker slogans, all vote for Obama, and do not know how to construct a syllogism. And the bad guy dies by falling out of bed or choking on a chicken bone or something, and at the end of the trilogy, Lyre either loses her virginity or only misplaces it, with a guy whose name I won't bother to make up, because he ends up not getting the girl anyway. Then I will halt the plot and the action to have Francisco D'Anconia give a twelve-page-long speech on why making money is moral and heroic. It will be called THE GOLDEN RUMPUS, and be aimed at the Harry Potter crowd. Can't miss. Sure fire. My name will be up in lights.
Oh, the Dark Energy comes into the plot because it is the background material from which angels and devils are recycled, and the driving purpose of the plot is to make sure that the Dark Energy get recycled, so we have to commit euthanasia on just about anyone we meet. The five percent of normal matter is a mistake created by Evil Jehovah, and it all has to be annihilated, along with all human life, because thta is what inanimate blind mother nature has planned, and mother knows best. That is an uplifting message. The kiddie will love it.