Friday, June 08, 2007

Paris Hilton: Medical Condition...?

Color me skeptical, but I'm not buying the medical condition thing.

The gal's healthy enough to be zipping around assorted cities partying up a storm, drinking down gallons of booze, dancing into the wee hours in super high heels, and boinking like it's going out of style. That's pretty darn healthy chick in my book.

But she spends a couple days in jail and, suddenly, she's so sick she must be released to serve her "jail term" in a cushy four-bedroom, three-bath abode? (Rumored identity of "medical condition"? A bad rash. A nervous thing. Uh-huh. What? Like the other people in jail can't get nerves and hives, too? They don't get set free into the equivalent of a fancy resort hideaway.)

I don't think so.

Excuse me, but can we toss the snooty scofflaw back in the slammer for at least a week? Come on, people! Fake meting out justice equally to celebs as to the rest of us working class joes and janes? Just for the summer? You know, to sort of keep the flame of egalitarianism somewhat flickering in our collective bosom through another year?

Thanks. I'd appreciate that.

Oh, and next time, forget jail. Just fine her 20 million dollars and use it to help victims of drunk drivers or to pump up the budget of some free clinics for the poor. That loss of moolah might actually hurt her a bit more than not going shopping or to a party for four days cause she's behind bars. Then again...

Evening Update: She's been ordered back. The judge has lifted his egalitarian flag.

I love this blogger's commentary:

Paris Hilton has been ordered back to jail in Lynwood and will serve out her original 45 day sentence with a credit for the 5 days she's already served. Reporters say she was crying through the entire process and, when Judge Michael Sauer gave his decision, she let out a huge cry and said, "This isn't right." She was then physically dragged out of the courtroom by a female deputy, in tears, screaming, "Mom, Mom, Mom."

Some witnesses say they saw a rainbow above the courtroom. And others say they saw a giant man in the clouds with a white beard nodding his head approvingly. And me? Well I saw Judge Michael Sauer grow to be twelve feet tall, with muscles the size of tree trunks. And when he smiled, little cartoon hearts appeared above my head and there was a strange tingling sensation in my pants.


I will say that the overdramatic blubbering and wailing just goes to show how really, really spoiled this gal is. I've worked in the jail system, full-time, locked in with the guards, occasionally--and scarily--in a room alone with a murderer who had trustee privileges. (I tried to keep that from happening often.) I've been locked in with inmates and staff during power-outtages. I ate jail food more than once. Hey, free perk of the job, if perk is the right word. (ie. food sucks.) It's not a happy place. I wouldn't want to be kept in there 24/7.

But I've seen more dignity and self-control from hookers and junkies. Paris behaved like a baby. Apparently, the real world is scary when your feet never touch the ground cause everyone's throwing soft pillows at them.

Seriously. I've sat in courtrooms and heard sentencing. I simply have never ever heard someone pitch that kind of hysterical display over less than a month in jail. I've seen people take sentences of a decade or more with greater self-control.

Dang, Paris. Being hairy for 4 weeks is bad, but it's not the end of the world.


John said...

A buddy of mine who's in law school says that he's heard her "medical condition" was either:

1) Panic attacks at being incarcerated (whether real or fake, he doesn't know)


2) She was refusing to eat the jail food.

No matter what the case, she just needs to suck it up and go back.

Josh said...

Is it bad to suggest capital punishment? I know, it's extreme...but man, you'd see a lot of celebrities snap into line if they realized what kind of consequences their actions might have.

(I realize I just might have given someone an idea for the next big reality show...if it takes off, I want a slice of the profits)

Anonymous said...

I read that in Belgium they give traffic fines according to your net worth or income, so some righ guy gets a 100,000 dollar speeding ticket. Which is good, and kind of what you're suggesting here, except then you have to accept different treatment for the rich than the poor under the law.

But I agree she should serve her time if others would have to.


Josh said...

Well, Mir, you got some of your wish.

Mirtika said...

Oh, goody, Josh. Thanks.

Snarky, I don't think it's a different treatment. The purpose of a fine is punishment. To me, a 10K fine would be tough. To Paris Hilton, a 10K fine is, what? One dress and some shoes maybe? She probably blows her nose with that a week.

For a fine to actually BE punishment, it must HURT the pocket. So, for a millionaire, it has to be considerably more than for an average earner.

That is actually justice--suiting the fine to the person's assets and income.

I think for greed crimes like, say, insider traiding, the best punishement is to remove the fortune. Nothing they'd hate worse than losing their millions and having to start from scratch again. But that's more devastating to some rich dude than jail, when they come out still rich.