Wednesday, December 20, 2006

John C. Wright's Clearly Hitting the Egg Nog

Or we wouldn't have his latest Xmas historical notes, thusly:

HISTORICAL NOTE: Xmas is a secular holiday beloved of Shopkeepers everywhere, during which grumpy people buy each other unwanted gifts in a hideous mockery of good cheer. It is presided over by Santy Clause, an advertising gimmick of the Coca Cola Bottling Company of Atlanta, who are the illuminati secretly controlling history--why else did the US troops drink Coke overseas? The Shopkeeper holiday falls on the same day as Christmas, presided over by St. Nicholas, during which all merry Christian gentlemen rest without dismay and eat goose to celebrate the savior's birth--they are resting and merry because the good Christian ladies are the ones in the kitchen baking the cookies (something poor Mr. Clinton, for all his fame, cannot get his missus to do) while they watch the ball game on the telly. No doubt they are wearing Peter Power Armor sweaters and sipping from Peter Power Armor mugs!

For those of you who have to travel on this day, remember the holiday also celebrates overcrowded Inns that double-booked or lost your reservation: and the spirit of Christian cheer reminds us all how much we hate paying taxes, or why astrology is actually good for you. For those of you who cannot afford gifts to give to baby Jesus, just come by like the Little Drummer Boy and pound your drums in his ear! Wait till he is sleeping; surely babies love loud noises!

HISTORICAL NOTE UPDATE --THIS JUST IN: I've just been handed a report which shows the two holidays may be related to each other! Modern science has proven that Xmas actually has pagan roots in Germany of 1850, during which simple Teutons, who had been Christian since the time of the Saxon apostle Ewald the White (about A.D. 695), decorated pine trees! The pine tree was invented by pagans (Piney the Elder, in fact, after whom it was named) so that proves it!

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